9 Essential Questions Every Couple Should Ask Before Going Further
“As a tree with shallow roots easily falls in the storm, so too does a relationship without foundation collapse in difficulty.”
— Dhammapada
We fall in love easily, but staying in love takes wisdom.
Many relationships stumble not because of lack of love, but because key questions were never asked.
Whether you’re newly in love or thinking about forever, these 9 conversations will help you and your partner get real about your values, habits, and future.
Future Plans: What Kind of Life Do You Want?
Avoid mismatched expectations—one dreaming of peaceful small-town life, the other chasing big-city ambition.
Key questions:
- Would you prefer settling in a calm town or striving in a fast-paced city?
- Over the next 3–5 years, how would you prioritize work, buying a home, or marriage?
Red flag: If their response is always “Let’s see what happens,” they might not be ready to plan a future seriously.
- ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT RECOVERY: Heal Your Inner Child to Conquer Insecurity and Fear of Abandonment, and Create Strong, Loving Relationships
Money Matters: How Do You Spend and Save?
70% of couples argue over money. It’s a relationship stressor that cannot be ignored.
Conflict points:
- Spending: Are they a spender or a saver?
- Cost-sharing: Do they prefer 50/50 or expect one side to pay more?
Practical starter:
“Hey, what feels most comfortable for you when it comes to splitting the bill on a date?”
Family Ties: Do Your Parents Influence Your Decisions?
Discovering your partner is a “mama’s boy/girl” after marriage? Painful.
Important questions:
- Do their parents heavily influence decisions like career or dating?
- Do they expect to live with their parents after marriage? Where do they plan to spend holidays?
Red flag: If they say “My mom thinks…” more than three times in one convo, take note.
Children: To Have or Not to Have?
Some things can’t be compromised—and this is one.
Must-ask questions:
- Is having children a must or an option? Can they accept a childfree (DINK) lifestyle?
- Who takes care of the kids? What if parenting styles differ?
Truth bomb: If they dodge this now, they’ll likely say “I thought you’d change your mind” later.
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Conflict Rules: What’s Off Limits During Fights?
Unspoken rules during conflict often lead to deep hurt. Set your “emotional safety” policy now.
Common no-go zones:
- Bringing up old issues, name-calling, threats of breaking up.
- Cold wars longer than 3 days, emotional cheating, or passive-aggressive social media posts.
Conversation starter:
“When we fight, do you prefer cooling off or talking things through right away?”
Daily Habits: What Annoys You Most About Me?
Small habits become big issues when the honeymoon ends.
Common tension points:
- Hygiene: dirty socks, skipping showers.
- Sleep schedules: night owls vs. early birds.
- Chores: Who does what?
Test this:
Notice how they handle surprises (like a sudden rainstorm). Their actions speak louder than their promises.
Past Relationships: Why Did Your Last One End?
Not to dig dirt—but to understand their growth.
Safer questions:
- “What did your last relationship teach you?”
- “What caused the breakup?”
Red flag: If they blame the ex entirely, it shows a lack of self-awareness.
Personal Space: Clingy or Independent?
Too much control suffocates, too much distance starves the connection.
Key points:
- How do they feel about privacy, checking phones, opposite-sex friendships?
- Are they okay with solo time on weekends?
Healthy signal:
If they’re cool with “I want to hang with my friends this weekend,” it’s a good sign.
Dealbreakers: What’s Non-Negotiable?
Better to set clear boundaries now than tear each other apart later.
Common red lines:
- Cheating (including emotional), abuse, addiction, lies (like hidden debt or illness).
Set boundaries clearly:
“If you ever do XXX, I will end the relationship immediately.”
(Clarity = respect)
How to Talk About These Without Awkwardness
- Choose the right moment: Casually during walks or meals, not like an interrogation.
- Mutual sharing: Start by sharing your answer, then invite theirs.
- Watch for consistency: What they say vs. how they act (e.g., claims frugality, but overspends on gaming).
“Know yourself and others clearly, and suffering will not arise.”
— Sutra of Forty-Two Chapters
📚 Recommended Read:
ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT RECOVERY: Heal Your Inner Child to Conquer Insecurity and Fear of Abandonment, and Create Strong, Loving Relationships
Also explore: Make Your Mind an Ocean — for those seeking calm, wisdom, and mindful love.
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